~B-E-T-H

Ok, so I was actually going to go through all my old posts and do a month by month recap, but wouldn't it be better if I lied to you all? (That's what my mommie taught me. OH, and how to look pretty. That's all that matters.)


2007...reflections

January: I moved to a new city and had trouble fitting in at the new School. But luckily, I had a CB radio and a live feed so I started my own radio station out of boredom. I didn't think anyone would listen, but I turned out to be somewhat of a legend. The 'Eat me Beat me Lady' sent me her tell-tale red letters and ended up being a sort of side-kick to my demise, caught by the police but left the youth with a message..."TALK HARD!"

February: So, I was really into Eric Stoltz in High School...but he looked at me more as a friend than a 'girl'. I guess because I wore a lot of overalls and my hair was short, and I knew about cars and stuff, and I ate pussy. But...I really thought that if I helped him rebuild his super awesome car, that he'd like me. Boy, was I WRONG.

March: I was a farmer, an orphan, living with my aunt and uncle. It was just myself and my droids...nothing could go wrong. Until ONE day...(I had a bad feeling I was going to go there)

April: I was 16...but still trapped in a land of fantasy. I hated that my parents left me to babysit my STUPID baby brother. 15 minutes into the evening, fucking DAVID BOWIE in SPANDEX like...fucking BREAKS THROUGH THE GLASS and is all 'I have an owl...or AM I the owl?' and he's all like, 'Tina Turner does my hair, give me the baby!' and then, it was like he gave me LSD because these puppets were everywhere, and I was in a fucking maze...it sure was a crazy night!

May: So, Susan Serandon and I had this retarded kid that no one knew the cure or the diagnosis for, so I sweat a lot and used paper clips to magically learn years of medicine, even though I was a lawyer or something...and found the cure for our son, Lorenzo.

June: It was me (Gordie), Chris, Teddy and Vern this summer. We heard there was a dead body in the woods, and I was still struggling with my homosexuality and attraction to Chris...but I dare not tell anyone. Instead, I wrote stories. Then, fucking leeches got on my dick and that was the fucking end of it. I blame Kiefer Sutherland...I mean, Ace.

July: SPEAKING of Kiefer Sutherland, he turned my god damn brother into Jim Morrison! I mean...A VAMPIRE. And all I could do was breath out of my mouth and adjust my glasses. Thank god Corey Feldman was there with his knowledge of folklore. Guys...seriously...keep Corey Feldman on speed dial.

August: So, after all this trauma, I started taking anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication, but this particular month I couldn't afford to pay for them. I started to go crazy...because for an entire month...I fucked a mannequin. I SWORE she was real...I even thought she was that chick from Sex in the City...but my Gay Awesome-Sunglasses-Wearing co-worker assured me that I was crazy. (And he drives a pink Cadillac!) Tons of montage sequences later, and I realized she was under an Egyptian curse! Those are the WORST KIND! And James Spader wanted me fired for fraternizing with the display mannequins! Thank god my prescription got filled.

September: My mom and I moved to California, (WHICH I HATED!) to some dumpy apartment complex where I had to try and make new friends. You know that chick from Adventures in Babysitting? Well, she was at my new school, but turns out she only likes guys who can do bad ass round-house kicks and karate chops, so I had to find a lonely Asian...AND FAST. After killing bugs and cleaning this dude's entire god damn house, I was totally ripped and she wanted to do me, but her stupid ex boyfriend was too into skeletons and chest punching to allow it. We have a tournament next month...wish me luck!

October: It was my birthday...and my ENTIRE FAMILY FORGOT. After being fondled by my grandmother, my panties taken by a nerd, I was so depressed! And Jake Ryan tried to talk to me at the dance, but I totally blew it! You guys...this is quite possibly the most MELODRAMATIC thing to EVER HAPPEN TO ME EVER!

November: Killed a guy.

December: So, this Christmas, my Dad gets me my present early. He says he got it in China Town, some little critter they treasure over there or something. Anyway, he's yammering on and on about 'don't feed them after blah blah o'clock' and 'don't let them get blah blah on their fur' and I'm like, whatever, I'm gonna fucking play video games. Next thing I know that critter's got balls shooting out of its stomach! They're all gooey and shit! And THEN...they hatch, you guys! And there's little fucking critters fucking up Christmas for the whole fucking town! They're eating popcorn OUT of the popcorn machines! They're smashing Christmas lights! They're throwing things! They're being loud! and I'm like, "GOD DAMMIT, DAD! You get the WORST fucking presents for me! Remember when you got me that Rubix cube thing that opened up the portal to hell and that bald dude with the needle face tried to fucking KILL ME?" And he's like, "Whatever, *glugglugglug* get me another fifth of whiskey" and I'm like, "NO, dad...NO! You aren't ruining Christmas for me again!" And at that very moment, I was visited by a Ghost...the Ghost of Christmas Past...

Eat a dick, losers. My year totally pwns yours. (If you are too young to get the enormous pop culture references in this post, please remove me from your watch list. It's better for both of us.)